full grown

Did somebody slip some pot into my Subway sandwich? I have had the worst case of the munchies. Of course, for carb heavy, salty food. I am really trying hard not to give in, or at least not give in much.

I went to my brother’s birthday party today and managed to only eat a couple of wheat thins, about a tablespoon of his girlfriend’s famous spinach artichoke dip, a couple of small cubes of some sort of white cheese and some broccoli and baby carrots. I avoided the cake.

I felt ravenous when I got home and I tried to be happy with what we had for dinner, which was lean sirloin, green beans and brown rice with Veri Veri Teryaki Sauce made by Soy Vay. (delish)

I ate one of my program bars and then gave into a tortilla with lowfat cheese and hot sauce.

I have vowed to have nothing else tonight even though, incredibly, my stomach is growling and I really want some ice cream. I am also vowing that tomorrow I am laying off the carbs and focusing on healthy protien, veggies and fruit. Maybe I just need to detox.

Sigh, I keep hoping this will get easier, but, I know it won’t.

I’m not sure if that is the right cliche, but I learned that I shouldn’t really get excited about anything.

I worried, sweat and wrung my hands for hours before the interview yesterday. I was sure that I had to get the job, that everything depended on it. I toiled over what to wear and my self esteem was really low. I felt too fat, stupid and was sure I was going to do nothing but stutter and say “um” too much.

I left way too early, but I wanted to be absolutely sure that even if there was an act of God on the highway, I was going to be on time.

I waited in the parking lot, nervously checking my hair, taking deep breaths and trying to recite something that sounded a lot like Stuart Smalley.

I went in and gave my super friendly, confident smile. I waited in the conference room and tried to not fidget while I waited for the manager to come in.

She came in and out came the winning smile again. She started the interview and I began to relax. We conversed easily and things went well. All except everything that came out of her mouth about the job. I quickly realized that I didn’t want any part of this company or this job. She talked of nepotism and old boy’s club thinking and time clock naziism and the list goes on. She even admitted that some of the people that worked there are unlikeable and worth avoiding!

So all the worrying, fretting and hair and makeup was NOT worth it. I’m mad at myself that I got so worked up over nothing, and that I let some extra carbs soothe my nerves.

The good news is, I got another job. I’ll be getting in some cardio with this job, I’ll be scrubbing floors and showers for the rich and famous. Well, maybe not rich and famous, but for those that have more money than me that can hire someone to clean for them.

It could always be worse.

I have an interview today for a receptionist position. I am really hoping I get it because it seems like a nice job and it is only a couple of blocks from where Matt works, so it would also serve as a solution to our car woes.

Cross your fingers for me!

My dad made a somewhat weird agreement with me that if I lose 52 pounds he’ll give me $100. Given the previous post, I could really use it. After today’s weigh in, I’ve got 4 pounds to go. (Well, really 3.8, but who’s counting.)

Surprisingly, this isn’t an entry about weight loss. This is about life and how sometimes it sorta sucks.

On New Year’s Eve, my sweet husband finally let me know how our financial picture is looking. It ain’t good.

I have been living the good life of a housewife and really loving it. Occasionally, I would ask if I needed to go back to work for financial reasons, and his answer was always, “no, you don’t need to work.”

Still, I had kept my eyes peeled for a part time job, as some extra spending money would really be nice. However, nothing had really ever come my way. And, I really didn’t mind, since I have been really pouring my efforts into the weight loss thing.

But, on New Year’s Eve the ugly truth raised its ugly head. I’ll spare the details of our “discussion” but it became clear that we aren’t doing so hot. I could continue to be unemployed, but things are really going to be tight.

So, I contacted a friend and I may have landed a small job cleaning houses. Not the greatest job, but at least it burns calories and is flexible. We all felt better.

Until today.

Today we took my car in, which has been groaning on turns and leaking a lot of fluid and was even starting to smoke. Bad news ensues. My car needs a new power steering fluid pump, new rack and pinion and not too far off, a new timing belt. $3000.

Cross your fingers that this job works out.

Had a loss of one pound at weigh in today, so at a total of 46.6 lost. I am so proud to have made it two days back on program.

I explained my Christmas bingeing to my LAWL counselor as an informed choice. I made the personal decision to “cheat” (I hate using that terminology) and I also made the amazing personal decision to get back on track.

You see, something has finally clicked. I will not always be a perfect diet angel. Opportunity to fail knocks often. But, it’s the getting back into the game that counts. This is where I had permanently failed before. But, now I realize that “cheating” (ugh) is not really cheating. It is just an opportunity for you to take a moment, enjoy what’s out there, and then get back to success once again.

It’s a great day.

Well, I succumbed to the holiday and ended up having around 3 or 4 really bad eating days in the past week or so. I made a concious decision to cheat on Christmas Eve since Matt and I had planned on having cheese and chocolate fondue.

I did better, for the most part, on Christmas until Matt broke out the champagne. It’s been a long time since I drank anything and I really let loose. It was fun, but I paid for it with a bit of a hangover this morning.

So, today, I am back on program and dealing with the inevitable withdrawals. I made it to the gym despite my hangover and made it through 65 minutes on the elliptical. It was much harder than usual today and my heart rate was higher than it usually is, but I’m going to attribute that to being dehydrated from all the alcohol.

I am really craving carbs today, but am trying to wait on dinner and just drink water to help the hungries.

I’ll go to deep water aerobics tonight so that I can burn some extra calories, and hopefully, cross my fingers, I won’t have gained any when I go in on Wednesday.

If I list my weigh in from last Thursday, I stand at 45.6 lbs lost. All I have to do is hang on to that and I will have reached my personal goal of having lost 45 lbs by the end of the year.

I’m logging in again to complain about everything being about food. I belong to a Mom’s group and both of their meetings this month are completely all about food.

One of the events was scheduled for tonight, and I have decided to decline my invitation and go to deep water aerobics instead.

Yeah, I could have gone and resisted temptation, and brought an apple to munch on while everyone else ate Christmas goodies and tempting deserts, but I guess I just get tired of being good all the time while everyone around me gets to do what they want.

Do I sound bitter?

I’m off to buy some fruit and salad to take to my brother’s for a birthday party this weekend….sigh….

Things are going better. I stuck to the diet all weekend and when I weighed in on Monday, I was a happy 4 pounds down. That makes it a total of 41.6 pounds!

I also did a full workout at the gym on Monday and went to deep water aerobics in the evening.

I got my cholesterol test results in the mail and was relieved to find that my numbers are all excellent! My total cholesterol was 153, my HDL at 53 and my LDL at 73.

It’s good to have my resolve back and some good news on the health front.

O.K. So, I officially hate the holidays. Or any day of celebration in my life. Why? Because all celebrations in the United States and probably anywhere else in the world are centered around food.

Thanksgiving was a total calorie disaster for me, and well, maybe it’s ok that it was because I had planned for it to be a cheat day. I wanted it to be a traditional food day for Matt and my brother and so I made all the bad stuff. Chicken Feed, aka Chex Mix, at a unhealthy, fat laden 171 calories per 1/2 cup. I guess not too bad if I could have stuck to just one serving, but, we all know I didn’t because I love the stuff.

Matt’s family introduced me to the evils of Mini Pecan Pie Tarts, or Pecan Tassies as they are known in the cookbook. These two bite evil bits of heaven are 120 calories each and I ate at least 9.

The rest of the evils were the usual butter rubbed turkey, mashed potatoes made with a whole stick of butter and real cream, green bean casserole, stuffing, candied yams and of course, pumpkin pie with Cool Whip. Needless to say, my body wasn’t happy about all the fat and salt and I felt nauseous when I went to bed that night.

The next day I weighed in and had, of course, gained a pound. So, I vowed to leave the leftovers alone and was a diet and exercise angel and when I weighed in on Monday, I had lost an impressive 6.4 lbs.

So, I continued with my angelic state because my birthday was on Wednesday and knew I would be going out and drinking and eating “bad” stuff.

On Wednesday, I strolled into weigh in knowing that I would be down more since I had behaved, and, after all, it was my freakin’ birthday so the weight loss gods have got to be good to me, right?

WRONG. Gain of 1.8. I cried in the car and forced myself to drive to the gym. I skipped my usual weight lifting routine and just focused on getting in 90 minutes of cardio. But, I was down all day. On my birthday.

Matt took me to Estes Park to celebrate my birthday and of course we went out to eat. I consumed way too many calories in alcohol and food. Still, I hoped that the next day we could hike in beautiful Rocky Mountain National Park and i could erase some of my sinning.

But, the weight loss gods were not smiling upon me. The temperatures were freezing, the snow was flying and the wind was blowing.

I came back, disappointed and upset and have used food to be my comfort since then. I let myself get into that familiar rut of allowing a couple of setbacks to get me down.

I did manage to make it to deep water aerobics tonight. I guess I have to allow myself that as a victory and vow to do better tomorrow.