full grown

Last Sunday was a day of nothing but football and of course, Super Bowl worthy fare. (think various chips and various dips)

Anyone who knows me, knows I love the Steelers and I was really excited to watch the game and finally have a Super Bowl that I cared about. Needless to say, this Super Bowl sucked. Poor game calling, poor officiatiing and just generally bad playing on the field made it a lackluster win for us. So, while I am glad to say the Steelers won, sort of, I am not all that proud of it.

The rest of the week was centered around starting my new job. The first day was orientation. Mind numbing presentations on HR stuff, company rah rah crap and lots of paperwork. Luckily, the orientation was close to where Matt works, so we were able to have lunch together for a much needed break.

The rest of the week was focused on learning their systems and procedures. I had no idea all the steps required by the teller just to cash a check! I have to admit, I am a bit overwhelmed by all that we have to know to do the job.

One of the details I learned early in the week was that most of the teller stations in the company don’t have stools or anything to sit on. I had been really hoping that they would, since I have such a hard time with my darned feet anyhow, and standing all day would be murder. So, after a good cry, I decided to start investigating my options. I came upon this website. I made an appointment to be seen on Thursday evening. The proprietor handled my appointment and was a really friendly, helpful man. Even with that, it was a painful experience. I knew going in that orthotic shoes aren’t really cute or trendy and my knowledge was quickly confirmed. He evaluated my feet and told my that my feet are extremely flexible and over pronate. My being overweight also compounds this problem and makes finding the proper shoe with plenty of support and the right volume hard to do. I finally decided on a dowdy pair of orthotic looking mary janes in black and nubuck brown. The final step was to custom fit me for orthotic insoles. He had me place each foot in a machine and this machine makes a topographic map of my foot. This allows him to see where the insoles need to provide the most support. The whole ordeal cost upwards of $500 and left me feeling like a total loser but with hope that I won’t be in terrible pain every day.

Friday was really interesting because we had to go to our sponsor branch in the morning and shadow a teller and write down whether or not they were following procedure. Procedure even includes how many times they use the client’s name and whether or not they said some sales line when ending the transaction. They call it a tag line, I call it annoying. It really stresses me out that I am going to have to pitch something to every customer. I’m just not the type. Ack.

Friday afternoon was the Corporate Security presentation. In other words, “Let’s Scare the Crap out of You.” She talked to us about robbery, hostage and bomb threat procedures. Sounds like it’s not if you get robbed, but when. Next she covered all the ways in which banks are being scammed. This was almost more scary than the robbery stuff because it is our job as tellers to spot scams and stop them. It makes you feel like you have to view every person coming in the door as a potential criminal. Not fun.

Saturday, I turned to house cleaning as stress therapy and due to motivation by the fact that we were having dinner guests. Even the baseboards got scrubbed!

We had some new friends over and I made a new lasagne recipe out of Cooking Light. Everything was a success. The food was great, the conversation was light and easy and our boys got along too. They had a ball playing in the basement and watching movies and the adults had a couple of drinks and enjoyed each other’s company. It was really a nice evening. I love to entertain and it was something I haven’t done in awhile.

Today we have been doing laundry and took a break to go see “Curious George”. It was such a cute movie!! I didn’t have very high expectations for it, but it turned out to be a really fun movie for all of us. I’m going to seem old fashioned here, but a lot of the cartoons that come out these days seem to have an edge that crosses the line a little when it comes to appropriateness for young children. This edge makes it more appealing for adults to watch, but also makes me sometimes uncomfortable to let my son watch. This movie had none of that. Just a truly enjoyable, wholesome movie.

Yesterday was one of those truly great days. I had one of those rare opportunities to fall in love all over again.

I had to return some clothes and buy different ones as my job requires business attire. Matt went with me and patiently waited in line with me for the returns, gave helpful opinions on the new outfits and then went on the impossible journey to find brown dress shoes.

Why impossible? I wear a size 11. Well, I probably wear a size 10 1/2, but they don’t make that size, ever. Every store was the same. JC Penney, Nine West, Easy Spirit, Foleys and Off Broadway. They all didn’t carry an 11 in anything cute and then the “helpful” sales person would bring a black pair or a really ugly brown pair with a sort of pained look on their face.

Finally, we went to Famous Footwear where they had three pairs in a size 11 and a couple in a 10W which sometimes works. A couple of pairs fit, but just didn’t feel right. My feet hurt and I was really starting to feel beaten down. I just wanted a comfortable brown dress shoe. I made one last desparate pass around the store and happened upon a pair that were really cute and they had a 10. I sighed and thought, “what the hell” and tried them on. They actually fit and were relatively comfortable. Natt was patient through the whole ordeal, being encouraging and wonderful.

We then went Super Bowl food shopping and then went home and ordered some pizza.

Here’s the blissful part. I needed to put some laundry away and Matt volunteered to help me. We listened to some Whiskey Town and got everything put away and then sort of crashed on the bed and just listened to the music. He held me close and everything just melted away. I was in absolute heaven. Next we played Death Cab for Cutie and the bliss contined. It was like the glow of dating all over again, when just spending time with the one you adore, just listening to great music is the only thing in the world and happiness just pours out of you. I fell in love with him all over again, laying there, warm in his arms.

It truly was a great day.

I walked three miles with a friend and then went to the gym and made it an hour on the elliptical. It was a mental struggle as well as a physical one. It is amazing what one week away from the gym can do, for the worse. It felt great to work out, but it was really difficult.

I sucked it up and went to my weigh in. I figured I would be up two to five pounds. But, really, what else could I expect. No gym time, horrible eating habits and being slack on hydration, I would deserve a gain.

Pleasantly, I was .4 down. So, I have only missed my month end goal by .8! Believe me, I am not going to take this kindness lightly. I fully intend to be an angel and get my butt to the gym and watch my calories.

Tonight, I’m going to dinner with a dear friend and I am so glad to get to see her. I am handling the challenge well and have preplanned what Im going to eat.

Finally, I received a phone call from the bank with a job offer. I have happily accepted and start next Monday with training.

Now, it is time to get back to diet and fitness. I had made a vow that TODAY was the day that I would get back on track. However, I didn’t do that, but at least I am going to water aerobics and that will make me around 1500 net calories for the day, which is much better than I have done for the last 7 days.

I am really looking forward to going on a walk with my friend and I AM going to the gym and I AM going to weigh in, no matter how scary it is.

I know I’m not supposed to be. I mean, people have it a lot worse than me. I feel full of selfishness and self loathing.

First of all, I feel worthless. I can’t seem to find a job, and I can’t seem to understand it. I am a good employee with a wealth of skills and ten years of experience in my field. I am dumbfounded as to why, someone with my qualifications is unable to compete in the job market today. It’s not like being a receptionist or an administrative assistant requires a genius IQ. Two of the last three interviewers said I had an impressive resume and that I would be a great fit for their staffing needs. So, gee, why the hell don’t I have a job.

Secondly, my weight loss efforts have been totally sabotaged. To be fair, I have allowed them to be sabotaged. The crazy schedule, the stress and the general feeling of total unhappiness has caused me to have to abandon my fitness routine and turn to my old friend, food, for comfort. This will be the first time since September, that I will not meet my weight loss goal for the month. I’m totally devestated and I don’t know how to conquer it.

Lastly, I feel like an asshole to feel as if I am above housecleaning. I know I shouldn’t feel that way about it. But I truly hate it. I mean, I just feel like I am a smart, engaging person and I should have a job that utilizes that. I am miserable and almost thankful that I got dreadfully ill yesterday so that I could have a reprieve from the job that I hate.

All this makes me angry, hopeless and utterly confused as to what to do.

I am still sort of hopeful. The other two interviews went well and they both seem like jobs that I would like to do. I think it is awful that they make you wait. Can’t they just say, “Hey, we love you. We don’t need to talk to anyone else, because you are perfect.”

I just really hope I hear something soon. My diet is suffering with my weird cleaning schedule. I am afraid to even go weigh in since I know things haven’t been going well.

I need to go have a fun night out and a real schedule so I can get back on track.

I have just finished one interview, which was the shortest interview on record, and have two to go. The first interview was somewhat of a bust. I think that the work of the job would be alright, it would be stuff that I definitely be comfortable with.

And then….the uncomfortable stuff.

Family owned business. Nepotism. Need I say more? My direct supervisor has her three year old IN THE OFFICE. Her mother-in-law works there.

Pay. I knew that it would be difficult to get the pay I wanted, but this place was bordering on ridiculous. She kept gushing about how great my resume was, and how much relevant experience I had, and then…”we’re going to offer you next to nothing!”

Hours. It’s more hours than I want, and they work really early in the morning. Everyone that knows me knows that I am NOT a morning person.

She told me that she didn’t have any other interviews scheduled, that mine was the only one so far. And, did she mention, that she really loved my resume?

So the question is, do I deserve to be happy? Is the job market bad enough that I need to take whatever I can get?

My other interviews are for a fourteen hour a week receptionist job with a Pilates studio, and a part time bank teller job. I guess I could stand to be more of an optimist an hope that one of these other jobs will be a better fit.

I guess it has been a little while since I updated so here it is. I am watching the Broncos vs. Patriots game and am trying to enjoy the evening.
I have had a rough couple of days. Cleaning houses has been a little rough. I am averaging $10.75 an hour and working my ass off for that. Well, not literally, because even though I have been working hard and watching my caloric intake, I gained 1.2 pounds at weigh in today.
I woke up with a terrible headache today and have been really, really depressed so I called my ex to come pick up Christian so I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about taking some down time. He shows up in his dream car. When we were married he always wanted an Xterra and the bastard actually got one today. He never gave me anything I wanted when we were married and now he gets his dream car.
Maybe I did something to make Karma mad at me, or Jesus or something.

I do?? Well, today I did. I’m totally surprised to say that. But, today, it was true. I got up, went to my weigh in. A happy two pounds down, now a total of 50.2 pounds down! Pictures soon, I promise.

Then, I went straight over to the gym. It was a challenging workout but I really enjoyed it. It wasn’t effortless, but it flowed. The music in my MP3 spurred me on and energized me. It was exercise Zen.

I know it doesn’t happen every time, some days are really going to suck at the gym. But, today was the first time in a loooooong time, that it was really awesome and that really makes me happy.

An integral part of weight loss success is journaling, and it’s something I suck at. I never know where my program issued journal is, and I just sort of hate doing it.

I have to figure out a way to get better at it. First of all, because they actually critique my journal at each of my three meetings per week and secondly, because it really does keep me accountable.

Not that anybody reads this, but if you happen to and have any suggestions, I welcome your comments.