full grown

I walked three miles with a friend and then went to the gym and made it an hour on the elliptical. It was a mental struggle as well as a physical one. It is amazing what one week away from the gym can do, for the worse. It felt great to work out, but it was really difficult.

I sucked it up and went to my weigh in. I figured I would be up two to five pounds. But, really, what else could I expect. No gym time, horrible eating habits and being slack on hydration, I would deserve a gain.

Pleasantly, I was .4 down. So, I have only missed my month end goal by .8! Believe me, I am not going to take this kindness lightly. I fully intend to be an angel and get my butt to the gym and watch my calories.

Tonight, I’m going to dinner with a dear friend and I am so glad to get to see her. I am handling the challenge well and have preplanned what Im going to eat.

Finally, I received a phone call from the bank with a job offer. I have happily accepted and start next Monday with training.

Now, it is time to get back to diet and fitness. I had made a vow that TODAY was the day that I would get back on track. However, I didn’t do that, but at least I am going to water aerobics and that will make me around 1500 net calories for the day, which is much better than I have done for the last 7 days.

I am really looking forward to going on a walk with my friend and I AM going to the gym and I AM going to weigh in, no matter how scary it is.

I know I’m not supposed to be. I mean, people have it a lot worse than me. I feel full of selfishness and self loathing.

First of all, I feel worthless. I can’t seem to find a job, and I can’t seem to understand it. I am a good employee with a wealth of skills and ten years of experience in my field. I am dumbfounded as to why, someone with my qualifications is unable to compete in the job market today. It’s not like being a receptionist or an administrative assistant requires a genius IQ. Two of the last three interviewers said I had an impressive resume and that I would be a great fit for their staffing needs. So, gee, why the hell don’t I have a job.

Secondly, my weight loss efforts have been totally sabotaged. To be fair, I have allowed them to be sabotaged. The crazy schedule, the stress and the general feeling of total unhappiness has caused me to have to abandon my fitness routine and turn to my old friend, food, for comfort. This will be the first time since September, that I will not meet my weight loss goal for the month. I’m totally devestated and I don’t know how to conquer it.

Lastly, I feel like an asshole to feel as if I am above housecleaning. I know I shouldn’t feel that way about it. But I truly hate it. I mean, I just feel like I am a smart, engaging person and I should have a job that utilizes that. I am miserable and almost thankful that I got dreadfully ill yesterday so that I could have a reprieve from the job that I hate.

All this makes me angry, hopeless and utterly confused as to what to do.

I am still sort of hopeful. The other two interviews went well and they both seem like jobs that I would like to do. I think it is awful that they make you wait. Can’t they just say, “Hey, we love you. We don’t need to talk to anyone else, because you are perfect.”

I just really hope I hear something soon. My diet is suffering with my weird cleaning schedule. I am afraid to even go weigh in since I know things haven’t been going well.

I need to go have a fun night out and a real schedule so I can get back on track.

I have just finished one interview, which was the shortest interview on record, and have two to go. The first interview was somewhat of a bust. I think that the work of the job would be alright, it would be stuff that I definitely be comfortable with.

And then….the uncomfortable stuff.

Family owned business. Nepotism. Need I say more? My direct supervisor has her three year old IN THE OFFICE. Her mother-in-law works there.

Pay. I knew that it would be difficult to get the pay I wanted, but this place was bordering on ridiculous. She kept gushing about how great my resume was, and how much relevant experience I had, and then…”we’re going to offer you next to nothing!”

Hours. It’s more hours than I want, and they work really early in the morning. Everyone that knows me knows that I am NOT a morning person.

She told me that she didn’t have any other interviews scheduled, that mine was the only one so far. And, did she mention, that she really loved my resume?

So the question is, do I deserve to be happy? Is the job market bad enough that I need to take whatever I can get?

My other interviews are for a fourteen hour a week receptionist job with a Pilates studio, and a part time bank teller job. I guess I could stand to be more of an optimist an hope that one of these other jobs will be a better fit.

I guess it has been a little while since I updated so here it is. I am watching the Broncos vs. Patriots game and am trying to enjoy the evening.
I have had a rough couple of days. Cleaning houses has been a little rough. I am averaging $10.75 an hour and working my ass off for that. Well, not literally, because even though I have been working hard and watching my caloric intake, I gained 1.2 pounds at weigh in today.
I woke up with a terrible headache today and have been really, really depressed so I called my ex to come pick up Christian so I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about taking some down time. He shows up in his dream car. When we were married he always wanted an Xterra and the bastard actually got one today. He never gave me anything I wanted when we were married and now he gets his dream car.
Maybe I did something to make Karma mad at me, or Jesus or something.

I do?? Well, today I did. I’m totally surprised to say that. But, today, it was true. I got up, went to my weigh in. A happy two pounds down, now a total of 50.2 pounds down! Pictures soon, I promise.

Then, I went straight over to the gym. It was a challenging workout but I really enjoyed it. It wasn’t effortless, but it flowed. The music in my MP3 spurred me on and energized me. It was exercise Zen.

I know it doesn’t happen every time, some days are really going to suck at the gym. But, today was the first time in a loooooong time, that it was really awesome and that really makes me happy.

An integral part of weight loss success is journaling, and it’s something I suck at. I never know where my program issued journal is, and I just sort of hate doing it.

I have to figure out a way to get better at it. First of all, because they actually critique my journal at each of my three meetings per week and secondly, because it really does keep me accountable.

Not that anybody reads this, but if you happen to and have any suggestions, I welcome your comments.

Did somebody slip some pot into my Subway sandwich? I have had the worst case of the munchies. Of course, for carb heavy, salty food. I am really trying hard not to give in, or at least not give in much.

I went to my brother’s birthday party today and managed to only eat a couple of wheat thins, about a tablespoon of his girlfriend’s famous spinach artichoke dip, a couple of small cubes of some sort of white cheese and some broccoli and baby carrots. I avoided the cake.

I felt ravenous when I got home and I tried to be happy with what we had for dinner, which was lean sirloin, green beans and brown rice with Veri Veri Teryaki Sauce made by Soy Vay. (delish)

I ate one of my program bars and then gave into a tortilla with lowfat cheese and hot sauce.

I have vowed to have nothing else tonight even though, incredibly, my stomach is growling and I really want some ice cream. I am also vowing that tomorrow I am laying off the carbs and focusing on healthy protien, veggies and fruit. Maybe I just need to detox.

Sigh, I keep hoping this will get easier, but, I know it won’t.

I’m not sure if that is the right cliche, but I learned that I shouldn’t really get excited about anything.

I worried, sweat and wrung my hands for hours before the interview yesterday. I was sure that I had to get the job, that everything depended on it. I toiled over what to wear and my self esteem was really low. I felt too fat, stupid and was sure I was going to do nothing but stutter and say “um” too much.

I left way too early, but I wanted to be absolutely sure that even if there was an act of God on the highway, I was going to be on time.

I waited in the parking lot, nervously checking my hair, taking deep breaths and trying to recite something that sounded a lot like Stuart Smalley.

I went in and gave my super friendly, confident smile. I waited in the conference room and tried to not fidget while I waited for the manager to come in.

She came in and out came the winning smile again. She started the interview and I began to relax. We conversed easily and things went well. All except everything that came out of her mouth about the job. I quickly realized that I didn’t want any part of this company or this job. She talked of nepotism and old boy’s club thinking and time clock naziism and the list goes on. She even admitted that some of the people that worked there are unlikeable and worth avoiding!

So all the worrying, fretting and hair and makeup was NOT worth it. I’m mad at myself that I got so worked up over nothing, and that I let some extra carbs soothe my nerves.

The good news is, I got another job. I’ll be getting in some cardio with this job, I’ll be scrubbing floors and showers for the rich and famous. Well, maybe not rich and famous, but for those that have more money than me that can hire someone to clean for them.

It could always be worse.