full grown

This rocks!!!

Pummel that sicko!

I thought I would reprint something I wrote a while back for the amusement of anyone who is a fan of the TBOTCOTW empire. Enjoy!

Fat Gurl Diaries

Installment One

It is with fear and trepidation that I write this. Or maybe it is just with absolute embarrassment.

I have been enrolled in a dating service for some time now and have met a couple of guys but no real spectacular results.

The service is web based and from time to time they will send you an email with pictures and profiles of men who have indicated an interest in your profile. I got this one, and the guy was a dead ringer for Charles Manson. Okay, maybe not that bad, but the guy was definitely not what I would characterize as my type.

(A little background note on your writer: I am the kind of gal that would take in every stray dog, cat and homeless person that I possibly could. I have a huge heart for the underdog.)

Normally, I would have quickly deleted this email. But, for some reason, I decided to check it out. His profile was quite light hearted and intelligent and he made light of his awful picture. So, I decided to give it a shot. After a series of e-mails, we agreed to meet that evening at a local bar for a drink or two.

Blind Date Rule #1:
Always set up a specific meeting place at the bar. Never say you will get a table first or whoever gets there first can grab a table. This is blind date suicide. If you don’t know what each other looks like except for a picture, you will never find each other in a crowded bar.

After scanning the bar nervously for a Charles Manson look-alike, I grab a table and sit by myself and order a cool guy beer. Think dark and disgusting. I do this to impress my date since he has stated he really likes beer. I wait patiently, but nervously for him to arrive. I have done this enough times to know how it goes but for some reason I am always jittery that first date. I continually check my phone for the time. It is now 10 minutes after our scheduled meeting time and I begin to get nervous. I think, “Goddammit, I knew I should have arranged to meet him at the door. He is probably already seated somewhere else in the bar and we are missing each other. This sucks.”

I try to call the guru of dating advice, Shelly, to ask her how long I wait before ditching the date. She of course has abandoned me in my time of need. So I decide if he doesn’t show by 20 after, I will leave. That time arrives, and as I head for the door, a guy passes me but he is too cute to be Manson. He looks like he is lost, but it just can’t be my guy. I talk to the hostess for a moment about the horrors of blind dates and about the moment I am to leave, the guy comes up to me and asks if I am “Helga.” (names have been changed to protect the guilty.)
I say yes, are you Mark? Thank goodness! We head for a table and begin the nervous small talk thing. He is polite and orders what I suggest on the menu. But he is detached and it is hard to talk among the bustle of the bar.

Blind Date Rule #2: Never meet at a noisy bar, a movie, or anywhere else where you can’t easily carry on a conversation. The whole point of a blind date is to get to know someone.

We eat our dinner in what I consider to be an uncomfortable silence. Every now and then we comment on something or another. I think he must not dig me, characteristic of the fat gurl esteem. Time comes to talk about who is going to pay and I say that I will since he is jobless. Then to add some fun to the evening I also say if I pay he has to sleep with me. I figure the date is a bust so I might as well leave him shocked and stupefied.

To my complete surprise he calmly says, “O.K.” and then “Let’s go.”

Blind Date Rule # 3: Never sleep with the guy on the first date. First of all this makes you appear to be a slut. This is a stupid standard and all, but it is how it goes in our society. Secondly, it’s not all that smart since you don’t know the guy from Adam and he could really be Charles Manson #2.

I agree and we hurry to his car. I am playful and seductive on the way. He reciprocates and I am now really attracted to him and excited to see what is in store.

At this point I am going to spare you all of the details, only because they leave enough for another story. But here is the part where you really get to feel bad for your fearless writer.

In the moment of passion, I say, “Mark…oh Mark” and “God you are great, Mark.”

Later as we lay in the afterglow, or whatever, he talks of how he won’t be around that weekend because he is going to a wedding in Tennessee.

I say, “I need a vacation, let me come with.”

He says, “I would love your company but my parents would wonder who you were and why you keep calling me Mark.”

Fear and terror grip my heart. My mind races, thinking, “What the fuck is he talking about.”

So I say it. “Your name isn’t…… Mark?!”

He laughs and says with a huge grin, “No…it’s Matt.”

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! I have just committed one of the worst, most embarrassing sex snafus of all time!!! I jump out of bed and start apologizing all over the place. He is enjoying every minute of my stupidity. He finally reassures me that he knew it was an honest mistake and laughs some more. My cheeks are burning. I know that I will never see him again.

But, take heart, readers. Although the ride back to my car was excruciating and I could hardly get out of there fast enough, he wrote me the next Monday to ask for a second date. Mark, er um, Matt and I are wonderful friends and lovers to date.

Fat gurls sometimes do okay.

I am taking Christian to a “harvest party” tonight for Halloween. I am just in hopes that it isn’t too cheesy. I grew up with a mom who wouldn’t let us decorate the house for Halloween because, “you are inviting Satan and his demons into your home”.

Yikes!

Afterwards, Matt and I are going to see the director’s cut of Alien. I am really excited to see it since I have never seen the original film. I really liked Aliens and Matt assures me that the original is extremely scary. So not only will I get to see a kick ass movie, but I will have a good excuse for Matt to hold me.

They are just now figuring this out?

Girl scouts hasn’t been hip for teens since my parents were in high school, right?

As promised, my review of Runaway Jury:

Saturday, Matt and I went to see Runaway Jury. I was really excited to see this movie as I am a big Grisham fan and I also adore John Cusack.

It was, at best, an o.k. movie. It had some great moments and pretty good acting but just didn’t have the movement I wanted. The Firm, you may remember, had great acceleration, pushing you to the end in a frenzied pace. This movie tended to plod along and the ending was really no suprise. Matt commented during it that it really needed to pick up. I reminded him that Grisham always starts out slow, flooding you with character development and detail, before you get to the action. Unfortunately, the action never really gets where you want it to go. The best part of the whole movie was during a lull, Matt leaned over and kissed my ear.

John Cusack, Dustin Hoffman and Gene Hackman all turned in good performances, which came as no suprise.

In summation, (I’ve always wanted to say that) this is a likable movie with a couple of good twists, but you probably can wait for video.

Zombyboy has a cool quiz to take as to which movie you should be in. I ended up in Disney’s Aladdin. I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.

Going to see Runaway Jury with Matt tomorrow night. I am really excited to see this film as I am a huge John Cusack fan and I also really like Grisham.

I will review on Monday as I am without a puter unless I am at work.

Took my son and niece to “Chuck and Cheese” last night. (Christian calls it that.)
We had pizza and then the two of them took off to wander the tube/slide thingy, which is where the smelly socks come in.

We played the silly games they have there…I did well at skeeball. We ended up winning 92 tickets which we traded for a whoopie cushion and a Hulk ruler.

From one chunky mom to another, I’ll miss you Samantha.

I spent some time with my son yesterday. He was pretty excited to show me his fireman costume and let me know he was going, “to go trick-r-treat”. He runs around the house with his plastic pumpkin and puts his Hot Wheels in it. He also informed me that now he knows how to catch “de baseball”.

I hadn’t been to eager to watch Monday Night Football as I thought it would be a slaughter of the Raiders and an uninteresting game. I fell asleep during halftime on Matt’s couch. I should have known that a long-standing rivalry and MNF would produce an exciting game. I did wake up for the Raider’s exciting last drive. Whew!!!! Go Kansas City!